but in the midst of all this, i dont want to be like them. Going home has been a tough learning experience for me: feels so much that i am like the Isrealites wandering around in desert after being rescued out from Egypt. in other words, i felt strangely left behind.and alone. and strangely the world around me seems to go on as usual and in a very normal way. it hurts so deeply to see how my world can change so dramatically in just a matter of months. Main reason being i dont have much courage to face up to the fact that a period of events i wrote about is now in the past. So if u happen to read this, please spare me a prayer - for help in guidance, encouragement and direction in my lifeīeen months and months not updating this blog. He is the one sustaining me day by day: smiling or doing my job when all i wanted to do is cry and lay in bed and waste my life away. But one consolation from all these is God still remain faithful because He allow me to cling on Him when i absolutely find no ounce of strength / purpose to carry it on anymore. It is really tiring and my soul is near desperation. Because all i need is a patient listening ear, one that is non-judgemental. just please dont let it be about me.Īnd the problem just got worse. i will often steer the conversation to another topic. Things have been repeating itself like this for months, till at the end i just dreaded heart talk/ talk about my life. until i found myself reducing to just an empty shell, drifting most of time through life. wel, i know that and i have been trying to limit myself from thinking. those that hear me cry will say it is ok, u think too much. well, what can i say? i dont want people to worry. pick myself up and said i am ok when actually i am not. So many a time now when i am on the phone, or talk about heart matter, i dont know where to begin. It has became so unhealthy that i am scared i will either bottle up til explode or i will lose the ability to communicate to people around me. i need an outlet to express- especially when i dont have people around that i can voice out / vent out frustration/ cry. The very reason why i didnt want to continue blog in the first place is i thk i got so many things i want to say and i may just end up wasting time doing useless thing. Cause i need to voice out whatever was in my heart.
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